Gensokyo is OFF limits
by Goblin Guard
Summary: After the events of OFF, the world ends. But something strange happens, and the characters find themselves in a world which follows strange rules. With the zones resurfacing at Gensokyos border, Remilia finding hints about her ancestry, and Zacharies childsitting servive off to a rocky start, it's only so long before something goes horribly wrong.


Gensokyo is OFF limits

Scarlet manor was not a hospitable place, and as such, very few guests ever came. Fewer guests left. The manor had an air about it that suggested that those who weren't welcome would know it, and those who were would do well to err on the side of caution. Accross the table from the mansions owner, Remilla Scarlet, sat a man erring closer to chaos than to caution. Annoyingly, he had refused to take his cat mask off, and was making it very hard for the vampire to decide whether he was welcome or not. " So" she started for what felt like the thousandth time, hoping that this one wouldn't immediately leap out of the window at the sound of her voice. " Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself, Zacharie? Why should I consider you for the vital job of taking care of my sister while I head North?"

" Because" the man responded, casually leaning back on his sparse wooden chair. " I have experience. I take care of kids all the time."

" Oh?" the vampires voice betrayed a sudden interest. " You run a babysitting service?"

" I do." the man replied. " A babysitting service for cats. One specific cat really."

" You... own a cat?" Remilla was beginning to feel like this was some kind of joke.

" Oh, we're just aquaintances. Were, really. You know how it is, the moment the opportunity to suck up to the most powerful driving force known to cat, duck, and human kind comes around, they just leave you in the mud."

" I... I'm just going to move on now." Remilia stuttered. She was stuttering. Why was she stuttering? She was supposed to be the one in control here.

" Probably for the best" Zacharie replied, tilting his head sideways. It was hard to tell with the odd ways the candlelight was reflecting off of the cat mask, but Remilia could have sworn she saw something move...

" Now, due to my sisters... temperamental nature, we favour caretakers with no close relations. It says on your resume you... might have a girlfriend?"

" Oh, yeah. Maybe. Could be that we're just friends? Or Sugar's my sister. It's left ambigious, but I'm sure it's all very deep and meaningful."

" Your girlfriend... might be your... sister?" Remilla was beginning to grow tired of the mans antics.

" It's probably mutually exclusive. But hey, Remiflan for the win, or whatever. Do not Google that. Do I have the job or not?"

" I'll be honest, Mr. Zacharie. You do not have a shred of professionalism, or common sense in you. Normally, I'd have burned you alive after the third sentence. However... I am growing rather desperate in my search, and Flandere isn't particularly... responsive to professionalism, so I find myself forced to hire you."

" Well, that's nice." Zach replied. " You're looking lovely today, by the way, if I can say so myself, ."

" You're hired, human. Smalltalk is pointless. Your payment was detailed on the job description. If you..."

" If I may, lady." Zacharie interrupted. " Have you ever thought about how a baseball bat would really bring that look together? I recently lost my best customer, so I've been forced to..."

But the Vampire was gone, faster than Zachs eyes could follow. Or maybe she was standing in another corner of the Room. As much as Zacharie adored his mask, it did have awful peripheral vision.

" Well... I've had worse interviews" Zach muttered, and left, trying his best to make the stairs squeak as loudly as possible on the way down.

Marisa Kirisame prided herself on two things above all else: her growing collection of increasingly absurd magic items, and her constant games of back and forth with the diminutive vampire mistress of Scarlet manor. So when Remilia Scarlet strolled up to her in the middle of a heist, holding that parasol that always seemed to suit her far too well, asking for some time to talk, the witch was justifiably shocked. She was also justifiably curious, and so it came about that the two of them were sitting at a table at Cramberry Cafe under a large beach umbrella, with looks of varying weight upon their faces. " Listen, the-" Remilia started, but was immediately interrupted by the arrival of the waiter. " Orders, ladies?" the waiter, a young kappa, inquired.

" Hmmmmm" Marisa responded. " Do they do custom orders?"

" That depends entirely on you, lady Kirisame. You own this establishment." the waiter replied.

" I what?" Marisa's look had turned from carefree to concerned with an instant. The Vampire seemed curious as well, but couldn't really show it under her parasol.

" Miss Kirisame, over the past few years you have stolen over half of this cafes property, including several recipes and, on one occasion, the manager. We decided it would be less of a hassle if we just assumed everything here belonged to you."

The next hour consisted of Marisa putting together custom orders that Remilia could only describe as evil, laughing as the waiter struggle to write it all down, and then changing her mind and starting over. It all ended with the witch sitting behind a massive cherry cake into which a chocolate sundae, an apple pie, and half of a rather fashionable rocking chair that Remilia could have sworn was from Scarlet manor baked into it, looking very pleased with herself. " Shho" mumbled Marisa, still shoveling more of her culinary abomination into her mouth. " Whash didsh you zesh want to talksh about?"

" As you may well know, Marisa, our... relationship with you and the shrine maiden has always been... strenuous. And considering recent events, we may find ourselves at odds once again."

" Oh?" Replied the witch, frowning. " So... you ze is going to become an enemy again?"

Rather than refute it immediately, the Vampire shifted in her chair uncomfortably. " It is a possibility. I have business in the North. Depending on how that goes... I just want to say that there are no hard feelings, alright? There are some things that simply have to be done... and there's nothing any of us can do about that."

Marrisa grinned. " Oh? Then don't you ze worry. I'll promise not to kick yer ass too hard."

Remilla closed her eyes and sighed. " Right... good luck with that. Oh, and could you stay away from my mansion while I'm gone? I've hired a caretaker, but you know how Flandre can get..."

Marisa tried to nod happily, but couldn't stop herself from grinning. In order to cover this up, she shoved another piece of cake in her mouth, parts of the chair splintering between her teeth. " Shoore. I willsh deshinifely dosh she thinsh you ashed."

Remilla sighed again. " ... very well." And the Vampire stood up, lifted the parasol over her head, and left Marisa to her culinary amalgamate of pastries and expensive furniture. Which suited Marisa just fine. She had barely been listening anyway.

The rainsoaked road to the manor was empty, which was an inconvenience in and of itself. Had it been sprawling with guards, it would have allowed the Batter time to plan a route, to asess enemies based on appearance. As it was, he had to balance the risk/reward of taking a closer look. Ever since he had ended up here, conserving competence points had become far more important. The food he had managed to gather in this world did not restore his health nor competence, and Zacharie was nowhere to be found. He sighed, and decided to go for it.

" Wide angle" he muttered. The strange and corrupted spectres of this world reacted oddly to his attempts to evaluate them, but the strange, red dots and arrangements of geometric shapes he saw gave him at least some sense of their position. Several small creatures, of insignificant power judging from the size of the circles he was seeing, had hidden themselves under the shadow of a large tree, taking refuge from the rain. Deeper in the mansion, he could faintly sense a few more beings - at least 20 weak signatures, and two larger ones. Presumably the vampires he was searching for... one was still, the other was moving. Great. He was hoping for a quick kill... but given the way things were looking, he would probably have to fight. Great... the batter adjusted his hat, tightened his grip on the Harold bat, and stepped out into the open, feeling the pupeteers grip on him tighten. By the time the demons spotted him, he had completely given in.

Marisa was known to be unpredictable, and seemed rather proud of her reputation. Her entrances exemplified this fact, involving strange angles of descent and popping out of household items grinning before absconding with them, much to the chagrin of the Shrine Maiden these items tended to belong to. These days, the entrances were more tedious than alarming, and Reimu almost wish Marisa would cease bothering with them entirely. When Marisa walked through the front door of the Hakurei shrine with her broom tucked beneath one arm like any normal decent individual, the maiden was so surprised that she leaped from her chair, did a neat little cartwheel midair, and landed headfirst in the new goldfishbowl she had bought the day before. Reimu tumbled to the floor, and struggled with the fishbowl for a few moments before headbutting the table, causing it to shatter and its contents so spill all over the floor. Reimu hastily filled a spare bowl and placed the fish in it, all the while glaring daggers at Marisa.

" Why'd you have to startle me like that?" the shrine girl inquired. Marisa didn't answer. She was too busy rolling around on the floor laughing.

" You could floated through it!" she giggled. " And I love that you didn't more than anything in the world right now!"

Reimu sighed softly, and began sweepig up the shards of the fish bowl. " What do you want? She muttered, sweeping the shards up slowly.

" Well, funny that you asked" the witch replied. " See, I just had the most fascinating conversation with Remilia..."

The kitchen was quiet. Eerily quiet. Too quiet. The Batter moved slowly between cabinets and counters, his bat at the ready. Wide Angle had shown him a large hitbox here a moment ago, but now the kitchen was empty. The Batter considered using it again to make sure, but the strings around him grew tighter, preventing him from doing so.

This was probably for the best. If these Vampires were anything like the previous pair he had exterminated, he would need to use several competences to take them down, and in a world without any means of recovering it, two points could mean the difference between life and death. Something hit the floor and broke. The Batter froze, his eyes slowly scanning the entire kitchen before him. He tilted his head slightly, listening for any other sounds. Nothing. And then a Vampire exploded up from beneath the floorboards, screaming a blood curdling battle cry. The Batter leaped back, and swung Harold low, attempting a damaging strike to the torso, but the Vampire bought her elbow down, seemingly grimacing as the bat made contact with it. The Batter stepped backwards slowly, taking cautionary swings every now and then, looking for an opening as the Vampire lifted up an entire counter and swung it at him, seemingly unaffected by the counters weight.

This one must have heard of the fate of house Cyan - she wasn't messing around with Danmaku or bullets, relying entirely on her yokai might to bring her assailant down. The Vampire hissed, and raised the cabinet high, preparing to bring it down on her uninvited guest. The Batter shifted his weight onto his hind leg, and swung with all his might. A voice in the distance, whispered something, but the Batter understood it perfectly. " Furious Homerun."


End file.
